Sniksnazz Explains Beakies

 Ol' Sniksnazz, by virtue of being the oldest living ork, acted as the tribe's historian. He was the keeper of the ancestorial memories and what counted as ork 'kulture': stories of the biggest and most important wars and leaders. He passed these memories along as stories told around the fires at night. It had been some time since he regaled the 'yoofs' of the camp with his recollections of the Ol' Den Days when the ork rok had been destroyed in orbit during the Third Xhorik War, causing catastrophic climate change to the planet of Xhorik Prime. This was the seminal event in their history, even giving their tribe their name: The World Wrecka Tribe. But it was hardly the only story Ol' Sniksnazz knew.

As feral orks, they could never truly threaten the major mining and refining centers of the planet. They had been limited to raiding isolated outposts and caravans. They had never posed enough of a threat to warrant notice from the Red Brotherhood space marines stationed on the planet to protect its output of the critical Kleinhaurker ore. The marines were preoccupied with bigger threats. So it had been left to the PDF garrisons to deal with the nuisance of the primitive orks. 

After the World Wreckas had been subjugated under the newly-arrived Blitzdreg Boyz, they were equipped with upgraded technology: guns, vehicles, and artillery. Their ork instincts had kicked in and they had taken to the new weapons with glee and aptitude. With the two tribes united under Warboss Filgakk Skullsplitta, they now waged a true war across the planet, now attacking cities, military installations, and mining centers. The PDF ws overwhelmed and defeated in multiple pitched battles. The orks rejoiced at finally being able to smash their long-time foes and oppressors. However, their attacks now started to interrupt the flow of Kleinhaurker and finally brought down the attention of the space marine garrison at Thorrosin.  

After a few clashes with the space marines, the orks of The World Wreckas came away suitably impressed with the fighting prowess of these new foes: superhumans who could best an ork in melee, something most of them had never seen. Orks appreciated martial prowess when they saw it; the stronger the foe, the better the fight, the more glory to the victor, after all. At night, around the fire (the acquisition of technology did nothing to change this custom of the formerly feral orks), the 'yoofs' asked Ol' Sniksnazz to tell them more about these admirable warriors. 

Sniksnazz grumbled. He wanted to be fighting, not talking. But he instinctively knew his role in the orky 'kulture'. He knew the younger orks needed to be inspired to emulate the great warriors of the past and fight harder against the klan's enemies. After enough badgering by the gathering audience, he acquiesced with a grunt and a nod. He gazed around the fire, fixing each ork in turn with his one-eyed stare. Once the audience was silent, he began.

"So, ya wanna know 'bout da beakies, huh? I know da story. Da tribe caught a 'umie once, years ago. Da 'umie told one uv da ol' orks, and dat ol' ork told Ol' Grodnog, and Ol' Grodnog told me, and now I'm tellin' you lot. Beakies been around fer a long, long time. Not as long as da Boyz, but fer a long time.

It’s like dis... 

We all know how da 'umies is all soft and pink. So fer years and years and years da Boyz wuz beatin’ em up all over da galaxy. Da only good fights da boyz could find wuz wit uvver boyz. 

Den a real big boss of da 'umies comes along. Dey call him da Emp-Roar cuz he could yell so loud all da 'umies ‘ad ta listen to ‘im.  Da Emp-Roar figgers out how ta make 'umies tough like da Boyz. He makes 'em bigger and puts 'em in supa’ 'eavy armor and gives 'em proppa' shootas instead of dose weenie zap guns most 'umies use. Dese were da beakies. 

Wit 'is beakies, da Emp-Roar launched da Great Krooz-ade. Dis wuz da biggest Waaagh! da 'umies ever dun. Dere wuz loads uv beakies split into lots of klanz, each wiv a big Warboss called a Prime-Ork cuz dey wuz da biggest and baddest fightas, just like da orks. Da Prime-Orks and da beakies kroozed 'cross da stars and beat up ever-body in da galaxy. 

Finally, da only ones left fer dem ta fight was da biggest ork boss and 'is boyz: Urlakk Urg, da biggest ork dat eva' lived. Urlakk wuz Overlord of Ullanor, da biggest tribe, spread ova' twelve worlds. Sinz bosses get bigga' wiv da more boyz dey lead, Urlakk wuz da size of a deff dread!"

The listening orks looked at each other in awe, clearly interested in this part of the story. 

"It was da biggest scrap of da whole Krooz-ade. Da Emp-Roar brought da best beakie klanz and da best Prime-Orks. Dere was fightin' across the whole system at the same time - and da' boyz wuz winning! But den da biggest and best Prime-Ork in black armor and his nobz in red and black mega armor zoomed past all da fightin' and went straight to Urlakk's fortress. 'Is name was Orrus an' 'e wuz da best 'umie fighta dat eva' lived. Most uv da beakies wuz smashed up good and proppa' by da boyz, but Orrus and ten of da mega beakies made it to da top of Urlakk's fortress to face da Overlord 'imself and 'is best nobz. Orrus and Urlakk smashed each uvva wiv dere klaws and da whole fortress shook!"

The orks circled around the fire were growing visibly excited, some clenching their fists, others stomping the dirt, still others growling and clenching their massive jaws. Ol' Snikksnazz couldn't help but grin as he felt the Waaagh! energy building up around him. Too crippled to fight, telling these stories was the only way he could experience the communal excitement and sense of unity that came from the psychic bond of the Waaagh!, something all orks needed. 

"Finally, after fightin' for hours, Orrus knocked down Urlakk Urg... and den picked 'im up and frew him off da top o' da fortress! Urlakk Urg went splat and dat was da end uv da war, cuz wivvout ba big boss, all da boyz wuz fightin' each uvva as much as da 'umies."

The audience was shocked. A few even stood and shouted out. One boy punched his neighbor and set off a short scuffle. Sniksnazz felt the peak of Waaagh! energy diminish slightly, but the underlying intensity continued to grow, with an unmet need to fight and smash. 

"Oi! I told ya dat Orrus was called a Prime-Ork, didn't I? But dat's not da end...  

Da boyz gave da beakies such a good fight dat da biggest and best Prime-Ork, Orrus, had all his boyz paint dere armor green like da Orks! And all da 'umies knew dat da green beakies wuz da best, even da Emp-Roar knew it. 'E made Orrus da biggest boss, called da Waaagh!-Masta of all 'umies.

After dat, sinz dere wuz no one else good left ta fight, da Prime-Orks decided to fight each uvver. Orrus sed he was da best and wanted to be da boss ova da Emp-Roar. So da 'umies fought da biggest war eva'. Dey called it Da Orrus ‘Urty cuz Orrus smashed up da whole galaxy and wuz ‘urtin’ all da uvver 'umies fer years and years.

Finally, 'is green boyz get all da way to da Emp-Roar’s planet. Loads uv beakies and millions of squishy 'umies wuz fightin’ ova da planet wiv tanks and 'umie gargants and wot not. Den Orrus fought wiv da Emp-Roar’s best Prime-Ork: da red one.  'Is boyz was da red klan and his name in 'umie wuz “Bloody” cuz he killed so many dat he wuz always covered in blood. It was da Red boss vs da Green boss, a supa good fight. Da red boss was fasta cuz his armor was red but da green boss was ‘arder and he had a big klaw. So Orrus krumped Bloody and made him all bloody. Hur hur hur." 

This had the desired effect and the gathered listeners roared their laughter, cheering for Horus. As the one who defeated the orks of Ullanor, he had their respect and awe. 

"So da Emp-Roar got mad dat 'is best boss was ded and he tellyported onto da ship to fight Orrus hisself. Dis wuz an even bigga fight cuz da Emp-Roar was a weird-boss and had brain powaz. He only beat Orrus cuz he used his weird boy powas on him. But Orrus krumped him in da proppa' way and da Emp-Roar was so smashed up dat 'e went into his Golden Frone and eez  neva come out since. Orrus died and iz boyz went into da warp. Dey painted der armor black to be ’arder like Goffs and dey been raiding da 'umies ever since. 

Now da 'umies fink da Emp-Roar is like Gork and Mørk and dey ask him fer help and da beakies try to impress him wit dere fightin'. Dey are tryin' to be as 'ard as Orrus. And dat's why da beakies fight so good. 

 Now dat’s a good story! Ever-body got krumped! Da end."

The orks around the fire cheered, some firing their sluggas into the air, others howling into the night. Now they were truly inspired to get back into the fight with the space marines and re-live the glory of Urlakk Urg and the orks of the past against these worthy foes, the beakies that smashed the galaxy.